Editor's Note: It
was the otherwise rather rational philosopher Bertrand Russell who first propounded the argument, now so common on the Internet, that, since he would not believe in the existence of a teapot orbiting the rings of Saturn, he therefore would not believe in the existence of God. However, as I poked through a musty pile of old parchments, I discovered the long-lost libretto to an Italian grand opera that addressed this very objection with unusual prescience, considering that Russell was not due to state his argument for another few hundred years yet. To the best of anyone's knowledge, this opera has never been successfully staged, perhaps because of the difficulty of finding an opera singer willing to appear on stage in a teapot costume. However, we now for the first time in print present the thrilling plot synopsis of
La Teiera di Russell.
Act I 
The scene is the outer perimeter of the planet Saturn, which proclaims to the accompaniment of a celestial chorus, "
Io sono il signore degli anelli" (I am the Lord of the Rings). For a moment it seems this claim will be disputed by characters from an epic novel by Tolkien, but the quarrel is forestalled by the arrival of Don Teiera, a cheery teapot who has orbited Saturn for many years. He introduces himself with the virtuoso aria, "
Sono un po 'teiera" (I'm a little teapot). Secretly, however, Don Tiera is nursing a broken heart. He is betrothed to the beautiful Cina Piatto, but they will not be able to wed unless he convinces her distrustful guardian, Earl Giacomo Gray, that he actually exists. Saturn encourages him, "
Essere breve e robusta" (Be short and stout), and love will be his reward. Thus emboldened, Don Teiera leaves to travel to Earth, confront Earl Gray, and claim Cina Piatto as his bride.
Act IIIn an observatory on Earth, Earl Gray tells of his refusal to believe in anything he can't see (
Sono un arrogante materialista). He tries to console a weeping Cina Piatto with the assurance that all beliefs are equally true (
Il mio epistemologia è terribile), but when she says that in that case she might as well believe that Don Teiera really exists, he becomes enraged and imprisons her in a high telescope tower.
Don Teiera enters, disguised as a traveling musicologist, and begs an audience with the Earl, so that he may discuss the Earl's reason for not believing in the existence of a celestial teapot. This results in the opera's most celebrated musical selection, the challenging duet "
Perché non credo che esista?" (Why do you not believe it exists?). A highlight of their spirited debate is the following interchange:
Earl Gray:
If someone tells me it exists,
But no eye can behold it,
And no telescope can detect it,
Is it not most reasonable
To say there is no such thing?
Don Teiera:
But rather say
That with that limited state of knowledge
It is most reasonable
To say you don't or can't know
Until new evidence turns up!
Earl Gray: (aside)
Curse the fellow for a posturing buffoon!
Don Teiera: (aside)
I do believe I've stymied him now!
Earl Gray:
But if no telescope can detect it,
Is it not the same as though
It existed not at all?
Don Teiera:
That is true only if
A telescope is the only way you have
To tell whether something exists!
Earl Gray:
You do not believe in science?
Indeed, you are the least rational
Of all creatures!
Don Teiera:
Rather, the question is
On what basis do we know?
If science tells us nothing either way,
Then should we not ask elsewhere?
Earl Gray:
But what if there is nowhere else to ask?
Don Teiera:
Why not ask the teapot, thou blackguard!
Don Teiera throws off his disguise and draws his sword (rather clumsily, since he doesn't have any arms). Earl Gray is thunderstruck, but before he can do anything, the curtain falls.
Act IIINothing much really happens in Act III except for an almost completely irrelevant ballet of Philosophers.
Act Pi
Earl Gray has realized that the only reason he does not believe in the existence of the teapot was simply his insistence on using only a telescope to settle the question, thus cleverly discrediting any other source of knowledge. Rather than concede he was wrong and allow love to triumph, however, he sneaks up on Don Teiera and Cina Piatto where they are having a romantic reunion at the top of the observatory tower. He shoves them both off the tower and they fall to their doom.
(What, it's an opera. You were expecting a happy ending?)
Comments (6)
Teapot argument huh!!!
Never heard of that one.
Do you think it also works when arguing against evolution?
I'm going to print this out so I can read it later.
Holy hell, this is incredible! Can I please write the score? My favourite is the Ballet of Philosophers in Act III. Reminds me a bit of Monty Python's Philosophers' Football Match. ("Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside.")
@vocalcomposer - I think that part was intended as a bit of homage to that sketch.
If this gives you any musical ideas, run with it!